The Diverse Dungeon
Helping the neurodivergent find their safe places in BDSM and sex positive spaces.
The Diverse Dungeon
Episode 8: Embracing Neurodiversity: ADHD Adventures and Leather Community Ties
But the journey doesn't end there. We also step into the storied realm of the leather community, where history, identity, and the echoes of the AIDS epidemic intertwine. I'll take you through my first leather convention, the bonds with my gay uncle, and the vision for a more inclusive community that embraces neurodiversity. Listen in as I describe designing a patch that represents the crossroads of personal and communal identity, a symbol of the unique place we each hold within the broader tapestry of life. Join me in this heartfelt exploration of the Diverse Dungeon, where every corner holds a story, and every challenge is met with resilience and understanding.
Social Media:
- Instagram: @neurokinkster
- Facebook: neurokinkster
- Discord Servier: Neurokinkster
Website:
http://www.neurokinkster.com
Musical Intro:
Not So Fast (Quarantine Beats #01) by Patchworker f.k.a. [friendzoned] | https://soundcloud.com/patchworker
Music promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.com
Creative Commons / Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-SA 3.0)
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en_US
Musical Outro:
The Crossover by Pyrosion | https://soundcloud.com/pyrosion
https://open.spotify.com/artist/51pxQJ5wdwSikfgYDBNXPE
https://www.instagram.com/pyrosion
https://www.youtube.com/@pyrosionmusic8562
Music promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.com
Creative Commons / Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-S...
This podcast deals with mature themes and ideas. Please don't listen if you do not wish to hear about BDSM, sex or neurodivergence. Thank you, hey there, neurokinksters, welcome to the Diverse Dungeon, episode number eight. Today's quote as great scientists have said, and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception and compassion and hope. Ursula K Le Guin.
Speaker 1:So I was going to do an episode two weeks ago and it didn't happen. And then I had an episode all copied out and and laid down um six days ago, and then I hated it and I deleted everything. And so now I'm back for another try. One of the reasons is my social anxiety got a part of me and I decided that y'all would be terribly offended by what I had to say. Not that many people are listening, but I didn't want to offend anybody. I mean, at least not intentionally. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, so welcome to my ADHD brain, and that is what we're going to talk about today ADHD and the fun that goes with it.
Speaker 1:So at the moment I'm working full-time, I'm taking a four-unit grad school class, I am poly and I am getting ready to end the year. I'm a little overwhelmed Right now I should be doing my homework, but my professor basically said that we could either turn in something today or we could turn it in in two weeks, and it wouldn't matter as long as we updated the information. If we turn it in today, we get more feedback. Guess what I've chosen? Yep, adhd equals procrastination, and I am very good at procrastination and I'll tell you about it sometime later. No, in all seriousness, I am going to work on this project because, of course, it's the big thing for the grade and I don't do well in this project. I don't pass. But I decided that I needed to talk to the professor. It's an online class and everything's been done over email. I need to actually talk to the professor in real time just to check some things. So I signed up for office hours because apparently office hours are a thing, and I've decided to make use of them. So yay me.
Speaker 1:So what are some of the fun things that happen when a person lives with ADHD? So what are some of the fun things that happen when a person lives with ADHD? Well, I'm going to tell you and I will give you some links to play with if you want to learn more about it. So one of the things that I found out was that food is hard. First of all, what do you want for dinner? I don't know. What are you going to cook? I don't know. What have you going to cook? I don't know. What have you planned? Wait, what is this word? You've said Plan Okay, let's order something. What do you want to eat? Still don't know. Someday they're going to invent human kibble and that is all I'm going to eat.
Speaker 1:In the meantime, I have to do lists and menus and well, these days we're probably just eating way too much takeout, which I understand is a privilege and I appreciate that I can do it. On the other hand, I'm really, really tired of sandwiches. So food is hard. I'll forget to eat, I'll not feel like eating, I'll pack lunch and then I'll look at it and be like, yeah, I don't want that. It's awful.
Speaker 1:This class I'm taking I'm, you know, college degree, master's degree and this four unit class is kicking my butt like so hard, my butt like so hard, and one of the reasons is because it is so self-paced and because you don't get feedback until you turn something in, and once I've turned something in, I'm done. I don't want to deal with it again editing what's editing. Oh right, that thing I'm supposed to do, ah, so that's a problem. Or the other problem is we all get super excited about something and I will forget that anything else exists, be it a book, music, a new partner, a new concept. It's really hard for me to stay consistent with things. And the other thing is being impulsive, impulsive spending, impulsive about relationships, impulsive, impulsive. Did I mention impulsive? It's just the reality. There are some wonderful superpowers that go with ADHD, creativity, empathy, a different view of the world, but it doesn't make it easy to exist within society. But it doesn't make it easy to exist within society.
Speaker 1:Here's a quick example Go into the grocery store, I've got my list and then this 80s bop comes on in Trader Joe's One. Thank you, trader Joe's, for reminding me that I'm middle-aged, because now you're playing my music from high school. Secondly, now I'm singing along and I've completely forgotten why I'm there and I'm wandering around the Trader Joe's and, even though I have a list on my phone, all of a sudden I decide that I want to make cherry pie and ice cream and whatever else you know is playing on the radio and it's terrible. I walk into rooms and completely forget what I was in there for. I forget to drink, I forget to moisturize, I forget, I forget a lot.
Speaker 1:My having a phone has made things like a mobile phone has made things a lot better, especially since I can have my entire life on it. I used to have to carry what I called my brain, which was a planner, and I wasn't great with planners, but at least it was something. I'm better with my phone because things are so much more integrated. I think like the smartphone has got to be the most wonderful invention for people with ADHD as well as deaf people, because all of a sudden we both have our lives organized for us in a way that we can control. That never happened before. So I know I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:But it also has made other things difficult, like going to conventions I've talked about that before like getting overwhelmed. And then there's rejection-sensitive dysphoria and oh, that one kicks my ass. All you have to do is tell me no once and I've decided that I'm the worst person on the planet. Did I mention I'm taking a graduate class? Did I mention that I've gotten feedback? Did I mention that I just wanted to toss my hands up and go fuck it if you don't like my important lesson planning, professor, so-and-so, screw it, I quit. I haven't quit, I haven't quit, I will do this.
Speaker 1:But it's really an effort which leads me to what I want to do with this podcast and with this idea of being a neuro kinkster, which is making existence within BDSM spaces easier, and I'm finding that to be really difficult because I really lack the tools to connect with the people that I need to connect with. So I need to make like a list, and I'm going to need your help because I don't even know where to start. But I suppose I should go back a little bit and explain where this idea came from. So after the break, I'm going to talk about my experiences at my very second leather convention, although the first one I got to attend. There's a story there as well. So after the break, northwest mother, welcome back to the diverse dungeon that was retro by jler. I'll put a link down in my notes.
Speaker 1:So a leather convention, as far as I can tell, is a convention that is based around the idea of the leather community. I live in the Bay Area, which is one of the major areas for the leather community, although they are all over the world. I did some research and I found out that the leather community comes out of the military and law enforcement communities of the 40s and 50s, and that's one of the reasons there's a lot of rituals and a lot of very important status regarding how leather is offered, because it was a safe space for gay men at a time when that did not exist. Because of a number of reasons, the leather community has expanded to include just about everybody gay, straight, poly, pan, etc. But it still has a lot to do with the queer community and I want to be very respectful of that. That's actually why I decided that I didn't like my previous podcast, because I felt like I wasn't being respectful. I wasn't being respectful.
Speaker 1:The leather people I have met have been absolutely wonderful. They are giving, caring, loving people, and it's really interesting seeing how the generations are trying to work things out, because there are definitely generations. So the generations that I saw were, of course, the quote-unquote old guard, which seemed to be people who came up in the 70s and 80s the originators or the originals. Many of them have passed away. Very few of them are left. I've only met one or two, and that's understandable. They'd be in their 80s or 90s if they're still alive, and they would have been very young in the 50s.
Speaker 1:One of the reasons that the leather community had to expand which is something I hadn't thought about was because of the AIDS epidemic. I was only about 14 or 15 when AIDS became front page news on Time magazine and everything. So I grew up in a world in which condoms and barrier protection was just default. We were all told that that was something we had to use, but of course, that wasn't part of the gay community prior to the AIDS epidemic, and that is one of the reasons it was an epidemic. A lot of things just were not understood and because it was the gay disease and we had a very conservative president, it did not get addressed in the way it should have. Not that HIV and AIDS isn't serious now, but it's nothing like the death knell. It was in the 80s, and so there's this entire generation of Leathermen who are gone. There are complete ideas. Everything they had to contribute, everything they had to offer, has been left, and so like, for one example, one leather community had to be taken over by heteronormative couples simply to keep it going. So that was a really interesting perspective that I had never really considered about bdsm and kink, but also about what the idea of being leather is, because that was just not something I had thought of.
Speaker 1:I went to my first leather convention because I went there with my then-boyfriend now-boyfriend I think that's complicated. Unfortunately, he got really sick. He was a judge for the Leather Person of the Year and bless him he stuck it out. But as soon as he was done of the year and bless him he stuck it out. But as soon as he was done, the medic came over. A wonderful guy, a former military, was like you're going to the hospital, either I call you an ambulance or she takes you there. And so he agreed to let me take him there.
Speaker 1:Now my family is one queer. I have two queer uncles and two were from the same area. So I called my gay uncle and said, hey, I need to take somebody to the hospital. Here are the symptoms, here's what we're looking at. Where do I go? My uncle used to be a nurse and was a nurse for a gay many years, both in and out of the Navy. So he was like okay, you can take him here, here, here, this would be the best one, this one's closest.
Speaker 1:I ended up going for the one that was closest, which wasn't my uncle's favorite thing, and plus my uncle. He called me like a day or two later and said how's your friend doing? Is everything okay? Do you need anything else? One, my uncle is awesome. And two, because he knew what community I was participating in. He, in fact, is the only member of my family that knows anything about the communities I participate in. It's our little teehee joke. So that was why my first leather convention was pretty much a quick oh look, there are people wearing leather. So this was my second leather convention, but I actually got to attend. The classes were great.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure I'm part of the community and that was a big concern of mine. What makes you part of a community? Like, do you need an engraved invitation? See, in the leather community it kind of feels like you do. You need a house and the house will invite you in and then you go through the rituals. But there are other people who are there who are not part of houses. They're just in master and slave relationships and they wear leather.
Speaker 1:I have a leather vest. I rather like my leather vest. I'm not wearing it because I want to impose something on other people or suggest I'm something I'm not. I wanted a place to store my pins. I like vests and I found a leather vest that fit me. Do you know how hard it is when you're A female B have shoulders like a linebacker? And there are a few other reasons too.
Speaker 1:And I was at Folsom Street Fair, so legit cred here. I was at Folsom Street Fair. There was a guy selling leather vests and I put on one vest and I just it fit, it fit, it was long enough, it fit over my shoulders, it fit perfectly. And I was like wow, and I'm expecting that this vest is going to be like super expensive. The guy's like no, $60. I'm like what? He's like sixty dollars. I'm like what he's like it's used, does not look used, looks perfect. He's like yeah, it's from new mexico, I brought it along with me. These are all thrifted. I was like, okay, thank you for bringing this leather vest for me from new mexico. I really appreciate it. Here's your sixty dollars, thank you very much. I am now an owner of a leather vest. That is how I got it, because there was a nice guy at Folsom Street Fair who didn't say you can't have that, you haven't earned it.
Speaker 1:Okay, somebody at the leather convention suggested that I should make a patch using one of the icons from my podcast. I think that's a great idea. I think it would be really cool to have a house for neurodivergent people. That's kind of what I came up with, but I don't want to offend the leather community, I don't want to make light of it, but I thought that a community that started because they had to be hidden, because they weren't allowed to be themselves, they weren't allowed to express themselves, was a good analogy for what some people in our community deal with.
Speaker 1:How many of us are told we can't talk the way we do? Couldn't we be more normal? Do we have to act the way we do in public? Do we have to go on tangents all the time, like I just did with that whole story of the vest? We have to go on tangents all the time, like I just did with that whole story of the vest? And that's what I was thinking about. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just say I am part of house neurodiversity or whatever I need a better name and then if you saw someone else with that patch, you would know and that would be like a thing and you would be able to like be safe with that person.
Speaker 1:Now, this isn't my idea. At a theater group here in my area, my my in-law person who was going to marry my eldest child, came up with a similar group where they identified themselves with a pin that everyone could wear so that if you were at a particular kind, like renaissance fairs or whatever you could see somebody else with that pin and you'd be like, okay, I know they're neurodivergent and either be more understanding or find a safe space or whatever. And either be more understanding or find a safe space or whatever the community could allow. And I always thought that was a fantastic idea and I don't think I realized how important it was until the pandemic. And I realized how much of my own neurodivergence I hold very close to the vest, that how much work and effort I put into being normal quote, unquote. Normal, I mean I can normalize the best of them. I can dress the dress, walk the walk and talk the talk. But I have been learning over the last couple of years that isn't who I am. I am not normal. I will never be normal.
Speaker 1:I do not come from a normal family. My parents both are likely on the spectrum. They are, of course, too old to have been diagnosed. I know my grandfather was on the spectrum. My grandmother probably had ADHD. This is my maternal parents, my father and his parents. That's a whole thing there.
Speaker 1:So I was raised by a very unusual family and the same uncle I was talking about and I have discussed this and he's like, yeah, no, you're right, absolutely, we are neurodivergent, and all of us in our different ways, and you, like my brother, my uncle, my other uncle who was also gay, are probably the ones who came up with the mask in order to fit in the best, but it's a mask and you should never, ever forget that. And I had. I did forget that. I thought that if I just tried hard enough, if I just pretended hard enough, I too would be normal. This makes me laugh because I remember I've been married three times, which again pretty normal for us neurodivergent folks to have had multiple relationships.
Speaker 1:Husband number two thought this whole polyamory BDSM thing was a phase and that I'd outgrow it. I outgrew him Bye-bye and I don't mean that as a bad thing. My second husband has his own issues with ADHD and he is, and sometimes well. As one person put it, when we were good, we were amazing, but when we were bad, it was a tragedy. We just fed all the worst parts of each other, and that happens a lot. Codependence and neurodiversity go hand in hand and there's probably like four or five episodes I could do about that. But back to where I was Another tangent Back to where I was.
Speaker 1:So what can we put together? What could I put together to create a house, a place, a safe space for the neurodivergent? Like, how do we recognize each other? Do we get our own flag? Like maybe we could all have tie-dye handkerchiefs or something. Okay, I'm being facetious. I actually think that the, the kerchief code is a really important part of the history. I am a historian, that is my original love, that is my bachelor's, and so I feel uncomfortable appropriating that, and so I feel uncomfortable appropriating that. But I would like a flag. I just want a flag that isn't appropriating. I want it to be within the leather community but also respectful to the leather community, because I really think that the leather community and its history needs to be recorded and celebrated by somebody not me who can truly express it, and I'm sure that there are already some books out there. I will have to do a little research and if I find anything really good, I'll put it in my episode notes. But I think there's a place for us, not just in the BDSM community, but part of the overall community BDSM community but part of the overall community Because the way people who are neurovariant manage their kink life, as well as their professional life and their personal life, is different.
Speaker 1:It is something I am going through with one of my partners right now. We are both neurodivergent, although in very different ways, and one of the most difficult questions for us to answer is what do you want? It can be about dinner, it can be about a scene, it can be about a lot of things, but answering the question what do you want Just gives me like night sweats and the heebie-jeebies and I'm like ah, I was very good. This morning I said to my husband I would like eggs and an English muffin and a cup of coffee, please. And he said, of course, dear, I would be delighted to give it to you. And so my husband made me exactly what I wanted. We've only been together like 20 years and this is probably one of the first times that I've directly said I want X, y and Z and could you make it for me please, my poor husband. Then I said could you clean out my car for me so that we can go out tonight? And my husband said yes. Now, admittedly there was some heavy lifting involved, but still, I'm going to have to make sure that I am properly appreciative and do not abuse this new power of saying what I want. But it's magic Gotcha.
Speaker 1:My other partner, holly, is complicated by the way. My other partner, he and I are talking about it and, of course, from a BDSM perspective. What do you want? And I said, well, and I actually have discussed some things and he's like okay, I like these things. But I said okay, now, what do you want? And he's like uh-huh. I said well, you get to ask for what you want too. And he's like no, no, no, that's not how it works. I'm like oh yes, it does. And he's like oh no, it doesn't. And I'm like oh yes, it does. See, that's the problem, and I think part of that might be because if you ask for something, the person can reject you.
Speaker 1:Rejection-sensitive dysphoria sucks ass, and I am so scared of rejection that if I ask for what I want, I am risking no, even though most of my requests are going to be perfectly reasonable and the ones that aren't reasonable deserve. We need a plan, we have to save for that or whatever it's going to be. So this is something that I have to work on and is something we should all work on together. So the next thing I have to do is I have to ask my first interview choice when they are available and get my next interview, because that should be my next step. I feel One of the reasons is because this person started me on this path that people who are neurovariant need a safe space to land, and they have had to deal with a lot more obstacles in some ways than I think I have. But also, I think they might have a very different perspective on the leather community than I do, and I'd be very interested to hear their take on this, along with other things.
Speaker 1:So let's hope that's what I can do for my next episode. I'm going to have to wait for it. Ask. So I'm not sure that that's enough for this week week, but it's what you're going to get, because I have to go out with my lovely family and I will talk to you all, hopefully in a week, and I'll let you know how my conversation with my professor goes along with whatever else comes to mind in the meantime. I wish you all a great week and remember your anxiety is lying to you. Thank you for listening to episode 8 of the Diverse Dungeon. Our musical intro was Not so Fast. Quarantine Beats by Patchworker, also known as Friendzoned. The musical outro is the Crossover by Pyrosion.