The Diverse Dungeon

Episode 4 - Neurodiversity and Fetishes

• Rae • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Speaker 1:

Hello Neurokingsters and welcome to the Diverse Dungeon. This podcast deals with mature themes and ideas. Please don't listen if you do not wish to hear about BDSM, sex or neurodivergence, thank you. Quote. I have a pirate fetish. I've always thought eye patches were sexy, michelle Branch Quote.

Speaker 1:

I have Asperger's. I'm on the autism spectrum, so I really don't care about social codes. It makes you think differently, grenethenberg. Oh right, our question this week is anonymous because I didn't have a chance to hear back from the person who sent it in. If they wanted to be identified, and their question was how do you recharge after an intense scene or other emotional experience? And I'm going to address this both right after the scene and then the next day.

Speaker 1:

So right after the scene, recharge for me is a lot of just quiet and touch. You know, aftercare I do need, like chocolate. I really am one of those people that needs a little bit of dark chocolate after an intense scene and some water. The other thing I need is I need to get some dopamine. That means I need my top to pat me on the head and tell me that I did a good job, taking whatever it was, that I was a good communicator or in some ways praising and affirming their experience with me, and it's even better if I can return the favor by telling them I really liked how you did X or I really appreciated how you did Y.

Speaker 1:

The next day or days afterwards, where I'm going to be processing through the experience and dealing with something perhaps even sub drop, I need to focus on a task that makes me feel accomplished. Again, I need that dopamine. I have ADHD. I always need more dopamine. So one of the things I found works really well for me is doing a task where I can see something organized, that I can make order out of chaos. Folding laundry, believe it or not, is one of my favorites, you know, because I can take a basket full of clothes, fold them up, put them away and I feel really accomplished, and it takes me like 10 minutes. Taking the dishes away also helps really well. Sometimes. Just making sure I write out my to do list helps too. But whatever it is I need to do, my recharge needs to involve me helping myself or helping other people and feeling accomplished, and I can do that for myself. But it is always better when a top checks in with me the next day and says, hey, what did you do to feel accomplished. Today, and when I'm a top, I try and ask a similar question, depending on who I'm playing with. So that is how I recharge after an intense scene or other emotional experience. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to be talking about the convention experience and how we can take care of ourselves. I'm going to do this after I spend a weekend at a convention, where I'm going to be way too busy, so I'm going to take notes and then tell you all the things I did wrong and also hopefully get some ideas on what things can be done right.

Speaker 1:

Alright, so today I promised you we are going to talk about fetishes, specifically the intersection between neurodiversity and fetishes. So I want to look at how neurodiversity comes into play when it comes to fetishes and are there any unique perspectives we should be considering? So I looked at the Neuroethics blog link is down in the description. It discusses how neurodivergent individuals might have heightened sensitivities. It talks about things like intense focus or different ways of processing information, and this is the way that many neurodiverse people focus and shape their experiences, especially like their sexuality. They're processing differently and so that can sometimes lead to the development of fetishes For some certain objects, textures or scenarios can become a source of comfort, stimulation or even pleasure.

Speaker 1:

One of the things that many people who are on the spectrum talk about is needing to self-care, and that might be stimming, that might be repeating something, that might be any sorts of behaviors, and sometimes these can turn into fetishes because it allows the person to more enjoy their sexuality. That said, while there are neurodivergent people who have fetishes, not all people with fetishes are neurodivergent. The fact is that many neurotypical people also have fetishes. So when you're looking at this, it's a case by case basis, regardless of the person's neurological makeup. I'd also like to talk about the fact that fetishes are not just the ones that may become to mind like a foot fetish or a fetish for soft furry things or whatever.

Speaker 1:

Fetishes, like people, are very varied and often depend on unique experiences and preferences. So how can we recognize and understand fetishes and neurodivergent individuals? Because, with just about anything related to the brain or kink, it requires us to be well open-minded and respectful. But here are some of the things you can look for. One of the things is you'll notice is that the person may include strong fixations on certain objects or scenarios. You might see it in their writing. You might see it in the way they dress. They might express it in other ways.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes these intense interests might seem unusual to others, or desire for specific sensory experiences during sexual encounters would be something else. I had a friend of mine who absolutely loves high heels on women. That is his thing and he knows that a woman who wears heels on a first date is probably a better match for him than a woman who wears flats. He doesn't tell them this, he just sort of uses it as a filter. If a woman shows up in heels, then he knows he can talk to her about his foot fetish. If she doesn't, he's less likely to do so. I know for me, when I walk through a store I want to touch all the clothes. Yes, I am that person. I just try to keep my hands clean Because I love all the different textures, and so for me during sexual encounters I like to have different textures to feel with my fingers and other parts of me. I don't think that's a fetish, but that is fairly typical of people who are neurodiverse. They might have really strong concerns or desires for sensory interaction that maybe a neurotypical person wouldn't be so interested in.

Speaker 1:

So what should we keep in mind when approaching this topic with our neurodivergent friends or partners, or with a neurotypical one. I had to go to an expert for this, and that was Rain DeGray, who is a sex and kink educator. She is so fabulous. I love her. I'm going to divert for a moment here, squirrel. One of my favorite things that she says is that you will be somebody's worst kink experience. Just accept that now. That is how we learn, and she has some wonderful stories. I will put a link to her website in the description below. I cannot encourage you enough to go check out her and her classes. So what she says is that communication is key. It's like any topic related to intimacy, discussing fetishes should happen in a safe and non-judgmental environment, and it's essential to respect each other's boundaries and comfort levels and also remember that people have felt shame and blame about their fetishes.

Speaker 1:

Because of how our society is set up, we make fun of people with fetishes. A woman likes lots of shoes. Oh my God, you like how to shoe fetish? No, trust me, I just like shoes. I do not have a shoe fetish. I do not get sexual stimulation from shoes. I just like them a lot and I like having lots of different pairs. That's not a fetish, that's just being a clothes horse, and that is a difference. So remember, when you're talking to somebody and you say something that you think is funny, they might hear it as blame and shame.

Speaker 1:

Here's another problem Sometimes people don't know. They are so locked into their own brains they don't realize that what they have is a fetish and that they need to share it with their partner to make the sex more enjoyable for both. I had a partner who had denial fantasies and it took me months to figure that out because apparently my psychic powers were lacking and I realized after getting cranky at them that they didn't know how to tell me, and I kind of regret how I handled it. But on the other hand, we are all learning and so I've just tried to say, okay, this is a learning experience, and I apologize to them and said I want to learn and I want to get better. And when it comes to fetishes, that's probably a lot of what's going to happen, because sometimes someone's going to tell you that they have a fetish and you're just going to respond with ew, oh my God, because we're human, try and give yourself some grace. More importantly, give them some grace and understand that they have just shared a very important and intimate part of themselves. They have allowed themselves to be vulnerable and you need to take a deep breath and go wow, I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I need to think about this a little bit and I might have some questions, but I'm really flattered, or something to that effect.

Speaker 1:

So I mentioned some of the challenges. You want to talk about difficulties in communication and expressing their desires, but there is an upside. You have the magic button, you have a key. If you are with somebody who has a fetish for high heels, boom, you show up on high heels and you've already done like half the emotional labor and you always know what kind of pattern to give them because they like high heels, and you can simply say do you see how I am wearing high heels? Aren't they great heels? Or whatever works for them. So you have these heightened sensory experiences that some neurodivergent individuals have and you can create incredibly fulfilling and enjoyable sexual encounters by exploiting this very simple key. It's well to put it in kind of a woo, woo, woke fashion. It's all about embracing the uniqueness of each individual and celebrating their experiences. Hey, neurokingsters, many of us are nerds and you get to learn a whole new thing. How awesome is that? Fetishes are an opportunity. And here's the other thing we have to create a more supportive and understanding environment for neurodivergent individuals when it comes to expressing any of their sexuality, especially their fetishes. Education and empathy are the keys.

Speaker 1:

At the website advocating for sex positive education and consent culture, Angel states that by learning more about neurodiversity and breaking down stigmas, we can foster an inclusive culture where everyone's sexual preferences are respected and appreciated. Well, that's what I want to do. I want to create these safe spaces and BDSM places. I also want to add that mental health professionals and educators need to receive training on how to provide support tailored to neurodivergent individuals, and, in fact, in an upcoming podcast, I'm going to be talking about that and specifically how I spoke with an educator who teaches sex positive classes and the discussion we had about how we could create a more welcoming environment for neurodivergent people, because neurodivergent people make really awesome educators.

Speaker 1:

We love not just how a thing works, but all the meta gut goes with it. We are walking talking pedagogy, and a good group of people knows how to take a neurodiverse person and get that info dump in a way that they can process it. So we want to be supportive and compassionate, no matter what someone's desires might be, even if they're ones that we don't share. That doesn't mean you have to participate in something that you don't enjoy. It just means that you need to understand that somebody else might and I'm not going to try and beat this horse too much and I apologize for using the metaphor. I need to find new ones. But one of the things to understand is that if you are going to expect one person to fulfill all of your desires, you're going to have to be very open and vulnerable with them. If you are allowing yourself to be ethically non-monogamous or non-ethically if the case may be, where you can find other people by going to a fet life group or going to a convention or a munch, or in other words, finding people who share your fetish or desire, that works as well. The key is to be honest with everybody to the degree that it is required, and I can give an example from my own life.

Speaker 1:

My partner is not particularly kinky. I knew that when we started dating. It's something we discussed a great deal. It's interesting the things that he does find interesting. He was looking at some of my toys, my impact toys, and he was just amused as all get out at some of the construction and really took an interest in the weighting and handle length. And we were talking about how he could print me some better toys and everything. And from an aesthetic perspective, from an engineering perspective, he was very interested and it was really nice to share that with him. Using the toys on me or having them used on him not, is interest in the slightest, but thankfully he has no problem with the fact that I participate with other people in these activities and that I can share it with him or not. Again, as I've said before, I know that's a privilege and it's a really easy one for me to support. When it comes to fetishes, because even though I don't have any, I don't think there's any fetish that I would want to be expected to indulge on a day-to-day basis. Now and again, like once a week, that's fine, but I don't think I could do a shoe fetish every day. But then again, so far I haven't had to.

Speaker 1:

I know today's podcast is pretty short today and I apologize. I have been working on the website so I have it down in the description wwwneurokingstercom. My partner and I have been working on putting that together. I did it really simple. I just created a blogger post and put some entries in there so that there's at least some content. I'll work on something more, but right now I'm going back to work full-time in about a week after taking a year sabbatical. I have a convention coming up in two weeks. Today is my birthday, but I really want to keep this podcast going. So, even though this is not going to be my great episode, I figured it was important to go through and make it and keep it. I think I need somebody to bounce off of, so I'm going to talk to a couple of my friends about getting them to record with me. I think that will help a lot. In the meantime, I would love your thoughts, your questions, topic ideas, anything. Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell everybody and, as I always say, remember your anxiety is lying to you. Have a great time, great week, and I will talk to you next week when, hopefully, we're going to be looking at sex work and what a neurodiverse person can bring to the table. Until then, talk to you soon.

Speaker 1:

The Diverse Dungeon is produced by Buzzsprout. The musical intro is Not so Fast. Quarantine Beats no 1 by Patchworker, formerly known as Friendzone. The musical outro is the Crossover by Pyrosion. Both of them can be found at SoundCloud. You can find me at atneurokinkster or at neurokinkstercom. Thank you.