The Diverse Dungeon
Helping the neurodivergent find their safe places in BDSM and sex positive spaces.
The Diverse Dungeon
Episode 2 Navigating Fetlife: A Neurodivergent Perspective
Ever wondered how to stay in the moment while navigating a BDSM scene? That is the listener question for this week.
In the second half of our intimate chat, we switch gears to delve into creating safe spaces for neurodivergent kinksters. Don't miss my guidelines for FetLife interaction, aimed at improving your time on the platform. So, sit back, relax, and join me in this enlightening journey through the BDSM realm.
Social Media:
- Instagram: @neurokinkster
- Facebook: neurokinkster
- Discord Servier: Neurokinkster
Website:
http://www.neurokinkster.com
Musical Intro:
Not So Fast (Quarantine Beats #01) by Patchworker f.k.a. [friendzoned] | https://soundcloud.com/patchworker
Music promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.com
Creative Commons / Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-SA 3.0)
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en_US
Musical Outro:
The Crossover by Pyrosion | https://soundcloud.com/pyrosion
https://open.spotify.com/artist/51pxQJ5wdwSikfgYDBNXPE
https://www.instagram.com/pyrosion
https://www.youtube.com/@pyrosionmusic8562
Music promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.com
Creative Commons / Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-S...
Hello neurokingsters and welcome to the Diverse Dungeon. This podcast deals with mature themes and ideas, so please don't listen if you do not wish to hear about BDSM, sex or neurodivergence. Thank you. Quote the problems are not the person. Chris Benello from the novel Underdogs. Quote thinking differently has given me the tools to face chaos and failure. Quote Kaia Stone from Everything is Going to be Kaio an illustrated memoir of living with specific learning difficulties.
Speaker 1:So I have our BDSM question of the week. It is from Foxman Rocks and they ask how do you manage to stay in scene? How do you keep up interest? Have you had any difficulties communicating with someone you've been in a scene with? I should note that I edited the question slightly for clarity. So my answer I hear you Staying out of my head in scenes is really challenging.
Speaker 1:I have ADHD and I've totally been in a scene and thought to myself huh, I wonder what I should make for dinner next week. So I've had this conversation with the people I play with and here are some of the ideas I've come up with. The first one is overwhelm me with sensations and tasks. So an example would be making me count the impacts while also having me show the number on my hand, if I don't have that sort of relationship with my top, or maybe it's just a pickup scene, I'll describe to myself what is happening to me by keeping that narration in my head. It allows me to focus on what my partner is doing for me and to give them the appropriate feedback. I really want to orient myself to the experience that my partner is sharing with me, because I think that's really important. My final note is I use a small amount of cannabis, but I only do that with a partner I know very well, and I never do it in a public space such as a play party or a dungeon. That is one of my personal beliefs that you should not be in play parties or dungeons and be in an altered state. But that's just me. So that is our question. You can send questions to me at at neurokinkster on Instagram, at neurokinkster on Discord or in the at neurokinkster FetLife group. I'll have it all in the description.
Speaker 1:So my introductory episode I talked about the fact that FetLife is a trash fire and I'm sorry if you're presenting as female. It's a trash fire and the only reason I can't speak to other people's experiences is because I present as female on FetLife. So here are some of my comments about FetLife and what I think neurokinksters can do to improve it. First of all, here's my personal opinion FetLife is not a dating site. I just don't believe that kink is a sufficient basis for a committed relationship. Now, before you complain or tell me that FetLife has many, many aspects and you can meet people there I'm not saying you can't. I think there are many ways you can build a relationship and kink is certainly a great way to meet somebody and get to know them. But if you are going on the FetLife specifically to meet fellow kinksters, hoping you're going to find the one, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed. And I am sure there are exceptions to the rule. But I've been on FetLife since 2007 and I have yet to meet the one, so your mileage may vary.
Speaker 1:The reason I tolerate the barrage of friend requests, frustrating messages and really sexist comments is because options are limited. Quite frankly, fetlife is still one of the best ways to find classes, events, munches, kink groups and people who just share your hobbies. So I'm still in FetLife, and it's been 14-15 years now. I still say it's a trash fire. Look, I get it. It is really easy for me to sit on my tough fit, eat bonbons and criticize the messages I receive. It's not like I really have to approach people and I've tried any number of tactics and I've defaulted to the following when I get a message where I think that responding is useful, a lot of times I just block people. But if I realize the person is inexperienced or maybe they just are trying and they don't know, then I try and answer to the best of my ability. I say something like hey, I noticed that you wrote me, thank you very much, but I don't think, based on your profile, that we'd make a really good match. And that's somebody who tried. If you just sent hi or hello, I don't even bother doing that much, I just delete and move on. So here are my official rules of FetLife interaction. Hopefully they'll be helpful to somebody.
Speaker 1:First of all, we are both people. While our genitals may come into contact in the future, if you can engage with my brain, I am not interested. Secondly, I value my time. I want to meet people at munches or social events. I don't want to meet people at coffee or for drinks or to get to know you. And you can blame this policy on the men, and so far it has been all men who took my time for granted. And I know I am not the only person to feel this way. I have friends who are both non binary gender, fluid, present as male, and all of them have said they are tired of having their time wasted.
Speaker 1:Number three I am not your relationship coach. I have no interest in teaching you how to be a boyfriend, girlfriend, top master, slave or whatever role. I am, the role I you think I can prepare you for. And the last one, and this is important no one owes you their time or attention. We have families, careers, partners, friends, hobbies. My life is outside of kink as well as being within it, and I balance accordingly. So those are my four rules. We are people. First, I value my time and you should as well. Three I am not your relationship coach. And four I do not owe you my time or attention, nor does anybody else.
Speaker 1:So if you want to get to know somebody, ask questions. If you want to figure out if someone would be compatible, start a conversation. Here's the thing. Don't just look at their looks. What do you bring to the proverbial table? Because if you can't tell me what you can do for me. I've lost interest.
Speaker 1:Look, I live in a large population center. I'm very fortunate because there are very few kinks and related activities that I can't find a class, a party or a munch for. So I don't have to put myself at risk to enjoy my sexual and kink activities. I also don't have to tolerate selfish assholes Forgive me my language, but that is the term and I doubt I'm the only one who feels this way. In fact, speaking to my friends, I am preaching to a lot of choirs here. So I want to be helpful. I am, after all, an educator.
Speaker 1:So I am going to post a paragraph frame to get you all started. You can use it for betim or you can adapt it to your situation, and I'll make sure I post it up in my descriptions. It probably is not going to get you laid in the next 24 hours, but it will make you likely to make connections which can lead to relationships which, in a good world, will lead you to getting laid and, more importantly, finding kink partners. So here it goes Hi, insert profile name or name. I was reading over your profile and I noticed that we share an interest in insert, kink or fetish. Further, I found what you wrote. Interesting because this is where you demonstrate that you actually read their profile. I would really appreciate an opportunity to get to know you better. Would you be interested in starting a conversation With warm regards? Insert your name or preferred scene name here, re.
Speaker 1:You might be saying even being a nice person hasn't worked. No one likes me. I'm sorry, I don't have a good answer. I don't know why people don't like you, but here's what I have to say about it. First of all, I feel that many people expect way too much from their individual partner. There are so many people who are looking for the one. That's why I practice ethical non-monogamy, because there is no one person who has been able to fulfill all of my needs. Now I understand being non-monogamous is reflective of my privilege. My children are adults.
Speaker 1:My nesting partner and I have been together for nearly two decades. There are a lot of obstacles I don't have to consider when it comes to relationships, including financial ones. So this allows me to the freedom to develop relationships with people, not to seek roles. I don't have to find a dominant or a sub or a slave or whatever. I can just let my relationship grow into whatever suits me and the other person best, and one of the reasons I do this is because if you would introduce me to my nesting partner and said, hey, this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't have believed you.
Speaker 1:It grew, it took eight years before I agreed to be a nesting partner, and we are still growing to this very day, which is why I love them dearly. They are awesome and they get me, and they still do not fulfill all of my needs, nor do I fulfill all of theirs. Here's the thing If you have a list of expectations and requirements, you have limited your options. I had a list. I found a person who checked all of my boxes and then, seven years later, what I want to change, and they were still the same person. They also were no longer what I was looking for and we had a very painful divorce and I swear after that I would never make another list of what I needed. That was nearly 20 years ago and I have been very happy. I've had short relationships, play relationships, friendships, really deep connections, all of which have just grown out of that simple premise.
Speaker 1:I just want to get to know the person. Now let me be very specific here. There is nothing wrong with having a physical, intellectual or even spiritual type. There are people we find attractive and there are people we don't. Trust me, a picture is not a fair representation of how a person looks, and any asshole can write well and correspond wonderfully and still be well an asshole. It gets even worse when a person who is vulnerable in society is trying to meet people, whether they are queer, trans, presenting as female, have a small build, whatever. When they meet a person who has privilege, presenting male, large build, or somebody with political or economic power, there is an established power dynamic that gives the person with privilege a distinct advantage. In other words, in a very sexist way, men fear rejection, women fear getting killed. But it's not as simple as that, because we are talking about gender, race, sexual orientation and physical and mental presentation, which all factor into that equation. The fact is, if you are six footer taller, if you have a lot of political or economic power, you're scary.
Speaker 1:There are going to be people who are afraid to meet you and they may be afraid to respond to you, not because of anything you've done, but because of their past. They may choose to ignore you and there's just nothing you can do about that. It's just not fair and you move on and go to the next person. So here are some tips, hints, tricks whatever you want to call them for meeting people in the BDSM scene. Number one you are interacting with a three-dimensional person, not a role. I don't care what their profile says. Treat them like an individual. Only exception is if they say please contact my master, top, etc. And then don't contact them. Contact the person they've directed you towards.
Speaker 1:If you write to somebody or you approach somebody in a public space, no one knows you are a response. Just because you're interested in finding a relationship does not mean that they are available or interested. Here's the thing. Whether it's a dating profile or a fat life, take a look at your profile or, better yet, have a friend look at it. What is your profile saying about you? Like, what does it say about you if the only pictures you have are your own or someone else's genitalia? If you want to connect with people, you are unlikely to do it from behind a screen, but as someone who deals with chronic illness, I feel for you on how difficult it can be to leave the house, as somebody who deals with social anxiety, even where I know the people I don't always want to go deal with. Well, people, they're scary, but the best way to meet people is to go where they are, not wait for them to come to you.
Speaker 1:Number 4. You are meeting people, not evaluating them for your potential relationships. That is how you come across as creepy. If you attend a munch or a social situation and you are obviously on the prowl, you will come across as desperate. But, ray, you might see I've seen women do that successfully. Yeah, there are people who can get away with being on the prowl. It's just not fair. The world is not fair and that is why there is different pricing for men than women at many kinds of parties. Men will attend a sex party. Women have to be enticed and having attended a couple of these parties, I can understand why. I felt like chum in a shark tank and it was not a pleasant feeling. That's why I don't go anymore.
Speaker 1:Number 5. Just because you don't find a person attractive doesn't mean they are not worth your time. Another thing that makes people come across as creepy is when they are obvious that they only interact with people whom they deem worthy. I have met people and decided that they absolutely must meet one of my friends or that they should get together with someone else, and I have a good track record for helping couples and polycules get together, and I am not the only one. You miss me and you lose out on all of my experience, advantage and social contacts.
Speaker 1:But approaching people is so hard. What if they reject me? Yeah, welcome to the world. They will reject you and I can totally understand how that is going to up your anxiety and make things even more difficult. And I can only say to you what I was told when I made the same complaint no one is going to ride up on a white horse, knock on your door and change your life for you. Hollywood has lied. There are no such things as manic pixie dream girls or manic pixie dream boys who are just waiting to show you the life that you've been missing out on. And if you have found such a person, you are very lucky. Relationships aren't like shopping on Amazon. You can't just order what you want and expect to have it delivered to your home.
Speaker 1:I can't tell you how many times I've seen ads on FetLife with someone saying hey, I like spanking people. Hit me up if you're interested. And I asked once did they ever get any responses? And every response they got was somebody saying, hey, how much will you pay me? People don't do things for free. There's got to be something reciprocal. So the only way you can meet people is to get out there and try, respectfully and as authentically as possible. You want to find your people and make connections Because even if that person isn't going to be the one and only that person you made a connection with might be able to help you towards your people and, after all, isn't that what we're looking for? So my last couple of notes.
Speaker 1:I have started sending messages to my local conventions and I have been saying pretty much the same thing, which is that my name is Ray, I am creating this podcast and I'm hoping to create safe spaces for my fellow neurodivergent kinksters. I'm hoping that I can bring my education and experience to these places and start encouraging them on making safer spaces. If you know of a space that could use that service, I would greatly appreciate it if you could give me some information. All of my socials are pretty much at neurokinkster and you can find that in the description. I've been posting this podcast on Spotify and Apple and wherever else I can get podcasts. I also started posting it on YouTube and you can find all the links in the description. Until next week. My name is Ray. I hope you have a great week and, as always, your anxiety is lying to you. Get out there and just meet some people and tell me about how it goes, and in your questions, your comments, your criticisms and whatever else it is you want to tell me, you can find me at neurokinkstercom or at any of the links I've listed down below in the description.
Speaker 1:The musical intro is not so fast. Quarantine beats number one by Patchworker, formerly known as FriendZoned. You can find them at SoundCloud in the links below. The musical outro is the Crossover by Pyrosian, and you can also find them at SoundCloudcom in the links below. The musical stings are courtesy of GarageBand Podcast. Art was created with the Imagine app for iOS and produced with Canva. Anything else is my own fault, thank you.