The Diverse Dungeon

Episode 1 - The Diverse Dungeon - Introduction

• Rae • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Join me, your host Rae, This is not just about understanding our own journeys better, but also about advocating for NeuroKinksters in every sex-positive space possible. Stay connected and remember, our anxiety is just lying to us.

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http://www.neurokinkster.com

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Musical Outro:
The Crossover by Pyrosion | https://soundcloud.com/pyrosion
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Speaker 1:

Hey there, neurokinksters, and welcome to the Diverse Dungeon. My name is Rae and I want to facilitate sex-positive spaces that are comfortable for those of us who think quite literally off the charts. So I want to talk about kink and neurodivergent brains in the soup. That makes us NeuroKinksters so very nifty. Now this might sound like an unexpected combo, but trust me, it works out for a lot of people. So what is BDSM to me? The thing I love about it most is the structures and the rules, like there's a clear role, there's a top, there's a bottom, there's a switch, and you can shift those paradigms so long as everybody is talking about it Safe, sane, consensual. You all know the drill and as somebody who's neurodivergent, I was really attracted to BDSM because it made me feel safe. Now, when I say neurodiversity, I mean the clinical term, which is that there are lots and lots of brains that have been scanned and some of them all fall into a fairly narrow bandwidth. We call that neurotypical, and then about 15 to 20% of us are neurodiverse. That means there's something about our brains that is different, and this is no different than somebody with diabetes and who has a bankrails that doesn't create insulin, or somebody with depression, who has a brain that doesn't create enough serotonin. So when I'm talking about neurodiversity, I mean the whole umbrella ADHD, autism spectrum, social anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, any of those and I know we don't like the disorder term, so forgive me, I'm old and I'm still working through it. So what I want to do with this podcast is explore the charmed realm where BDSM and neurodiversity meet and dance together, because man do, they make good tango partners. So research shows that about 15 to 20% of the population is neurodivergent in some way or another. I believe that in sex positive spaces, neurokinsters make up a much larger percentage of the group that are attending, maybe as much as 40%. So this is just an introductory episode, and so I want to share a little bit about what I hope for this podcast.

Speaker 1:

So this all started because I decided to host a little group discussion at a King convention on the East Coast. It was one of those things where it was guest led. They took $50 off my fees. It was an open invite to the neurodivergent people who are attending. I just said, hey, here's what I'm talking about, and I even mentioned social anxiety. This is important for later.

Speaker 1:

We started early in the morning, like nine o'clock, which, if you've ever been to a convention, that is like dead time. I figured 15 people, if I was lucky. So many people showed up that I had to close the door and refuse entry. There were people on the floor sprawled in the chairs, standing up in every available space of this small hospitality suite, and the people who were there thought this was amazing. They had a chance to meet other people, kind of make some connections, before the convention really kicked off. And remember what I said about social anxiety. One of the people had said that they didn't think they were neurodiverse enough to attend.

Speaker 1:

In my invitation I had specifically mentioned social anxiety. Why? Because I have social anxiety. So if you can imagine recording a podcast and not re-recording every difficult phrase or mistake I make, you can understand how difficult this is for me and I appreciate that you're bearing with me.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, back to what I'm doing. So that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to create another space, but I had no idea how to do this. I'm a teacher. I don't know how to use Instagram or promote things. I'm just good about telling people what they need to learn and showing them how to use that stuff on Google. But I knew I needed to do something. So what? Well, a friend of mine told me about Reed's Sex Geek Camp. There's another one of those words that's killing me. Reed's Sex Geek Camp the link is in the description was a place where sex positive educators from around the country in Canada meet up and talk about how they can make their content more accessible to people who need to hear it, and definitely I fit in that space.

Speaker 1:

I had something to share. In fact, I got to meet Dixie De La Tour of Body Storytelling, and on my very first morning there, she helped me come up with the term neurokinkster to describe us, so neurodivergent people who enjoyed kink. Neurokinkster Mwah Chef's kiss. Now Kathy Virtuli of the intimacy dojo and others in the group helped me brainstorm the Diverse Dungeon for the name of this podcast, because that's what I want to create a dungeon that is more diverse. Now I want to have discussions about kink interactions, some of the things I've run into, like on FetLife, which, as much of it, is garbage pile, a flaming trash heap. It is also one of the best places I found to connect with my fellow kinksters. I want to do interviews with people who are neurokinksters and are involved in the BDSM lifestyle and how they balance their neurodiversity and kink spaces.

Speaker 1:

First and foremost, my goal is to advocate for us neurokinksters in sex positive spaces. Some of the things I want to look at are consent policies, how the spaces are set up and how we can make people more comfortable. Let me start with consent. A consent policy that requires a one-on-one conversation between a perpetrator and a person in power is a recipe for disaster. I know because it happened to me and this was in a kink space. This was at a gaming convention. Let me tell you about it.

Speaker 1:

So I put my heart and soul into creating an apocalypse world game. I was very proud of it and everyone seemed to be having a very good time, except one person, and they complained to the organizers, who might have known for a long time. The organizer sent me an email and we got into a chat about it and the organizers were all very nice about it and we discussed how I had violated the person's consent and how I could have done better, and we agreed that the person hadn't used an X card to say that they were uncomfortable and everything should have been resolved. It wasn't Not because of anything the organizers did wrong, except that the organizers are in power and I'm just a little GM and I don't want to game or run a game at that convention ever again. In fact, I have not run at a gaming convention since this incident happened Because I didn't hear.

Speaker 1:

Hey Ray, you made a mistake. It's understandable, let's address it and move on. I heard hey Ray, you as a person suck ass. Nobody likes your games and you should never run again. The person who complained told everybody and no one will ever play a game with you ever again. Period.

Speaker 1:

Was that set out right? No, was that set? Even in subtext? Probably not. But when you're a person with neurodiversity, everything is so big and so hard to understand. And if I had just been able to have that conversation with a friendly GM sitting next to me and saying, hey, this happens, we all go through it, it would have been so much better than the organizer and me in a one on one. I am pretty sure that the same thing happens in kink spaces. I am not saying to get rid of consent policies. They are essential for everyone's safety. I am saying how can we make them so that both sides get heard and that misunderstandings are cleared up without driving people away, because I am pretty sure I'm not the only one who has been driven away from a hobby they love because of one person who didn't realize how hard they take it.

Speaker 1:

How about a quiet room? Wouldn't it be great if we had a space set up at a convention that was a non-social space on the convention floor? Just a room you could sit down, maybe have something to drink, maybe just take a few moments where you're not expected to socialize with anybody, and then you leave and you can go back into the convention. But, ray, why can't those people just go to their hotel rooms? Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I know for myself once I've gotten up to the hotel room, it is less likely I'm going to leave again. I'm comfortable, I feel safe and even though I know that there is a convention going on below me, sometimes the room just feels safer and easier. And I have heard this from so many of my introverted and neurodiverse friends that I think that a quiet room would be a huge benefit.

Speaker 1:

Here's another one. What about a dungeon space with good lighting? I'm getting older, I have trouble seeing indimly lit spaces and I don't particularly like them. Not only that, what about people who use mobility devices. They want to be able to navigate the space without tripping or running over people's feet. It doesn't have to be every single dungeon, but what if there was one dungeon space that was well lit? I've been at a convention where that was the case and it was incredibly popular.

Speaker 1:

But I'm not the expert. I only know what my friends and my own experiences have told me, so I'm asking for your help Now. This approach goes against everything I've ever learned as an educator and a researcher, but the fact is I couldn't find anything on Google Scholar to back me up with, so I need your help and that is what I'm asking you for. I encourage you to reach out with your experiences and ideas on the NeuroKingsster website, discord, instagram, facebook, heck. You can send me Carrier Pigeon if it works for you.

Speaker 1:

For those of you sending me Carrier Pigeon, you will have to contact me some other way and get my Carrier Pigeon Depot address, and I'll also need to get some Carrier Pigeons If we start sharing information. That gives us the basis to start doing research, collecting data and making more understandable and cohesive requests of dungeon spaces. Thank you so much for listening to the first episode of the Diverse Dungeon, please make sure to subscribe. Tell your friends and stay connected Until next time. Keep thinking off those charts and show the world what you have to offer. And, as a final note, your anxiety is lying to you.